I Am (not) Solid As A Mountain

I've been trying to be consistent with using one of those faces I made at the beginning of my posts to show my general state of mind. Today I would have to post half of the faces all mixed together to accurately state how I feel.

Its been a long strange week. I feel so off center lately, totally not operating from any familiar territory. Which is awesome and wonderful. I need some quaking uphill climbs. Life has been a pretty steady plateau lately and I'm glad that didn't last. Time will come again for a rest, but now its workin' time.

I've had a shocking and amazingly wonderful past couple of days. Or maybe wonderfully amazing. Even though I know it isn't so, its my secret treasure. I carry it with me closely. Clark Gable and Scarlett O'hara make a good couple. I've never seen Gone With the Wind, but I have a feeling they stared at eachother across various rooms a lot. And enjoyed even the smallest brush of skin immensely.

I had amazing potatoes on Thanksgiving. And I'm from Idaho.

I had a really good time making some new friends and hanging out with old ones. You know that when the words "gonorrhea", "nutsack", and "lady goo" are heard in conversation you're in the midst of some damn good company. You guys should totally move to Arizona so we can all hang out more. I fully enjoyed spending time with you.

I saw the new Harry Potter movie. Meh, it was alright. It felt like they were just jumping from one flashy special effects sequence to the next. Hermoine gets hotter ever movie though. Mmmm mmmm. You Know Who was pretty cool. He looked good and I like the actor that plays him. I never realized how a face with no nose could be so scary!

I better get to bed. I'm off to golf tomorrow. My friend Doug got a hole in one! With a pitching wedge! He was in the news paper, he's quiet happy.

Good night all you prince and princesses of the world. And a special good night to you, Clark Gable. I'll be dreaming of your dapper moustache.

- BuddhaDave

"Don't wake me, I plan on sleeping in."

Woos and Yays!

Today, after two years of crazy schedules, inconvenient shit changes, graveyards, and "Surprise! You have to work today!", I am finally on a regular schedule. Just call me Mr. Nine ToFive. Today I start my new job as GoDaddy's User Administrator.

For thems of you that don't know, up until Sunday morning at exactly 6:00am I was a Network Analyst. Basically I sat in a room with a huge amount of computer monitor radiation passing through my head from six 24" LCDs and three 19" LCDs and waited for something to break. Once it did, I called someone and said, "Hey, this is broken." and they'd say, "Okay, I'll fix it." That was my job. It was a good job, I loved it back there and I'm very grateful to have done it. But it was time for a change.

So now I sit in my cube (my own cube with my own compy, a dream of mine come true!) and people say, "Hey, I need access to this." and I say, "Okay, < keyboard clickity-clack > and you're good to go." or sometimes, "I'm sorry, this access has been denied." And at least once a day I get, "Hey Dave, this person is no long with us." and I go, "DELETED!" That is my new job, and I love it. Plus I will slowly be consumed by the IT Security team and get to hack the hackers and stuff like that. That's down the line of course, but its still a bonus.

Well, I better point my sleepy behind in the direction of the shower. Have a great day!

- BuddhaDave

The Loneliest Pinecone Part Two

Note: I know I said this would come yesterday, but I'm a lazy mofo who likes to sleep.

I turned right onto the road that went between the hospital and the baseball diamonds that were near the park, wondering what was going to happen next. Part of me was afraid of getting shot. It was early morning in Phoenix and I'm just a naive country boy from rural Idaho. When I arrived at the parking lot next to the closed and emptied public swimming pool I found only a white Jeep and a black dog sharing the scene. I parked my truck, picked up my lonely friend and headed out slowly and randomly.

It was cold and probably half an hour before the sun would crest the lowest hills surrounding Phoenix. It was quiet as traffic was still lumbering slowly out of sleep. I could hear the stiff grass under my shoes and feel the cold air through the many holes in my shoes. I had my hood up over my shaved head and my hands inside my sleeves and those inside my sweatshirt pockets.

I didn't know what exactly I was doing there, so I just drifted alone, letting whatever had given me this idea in the first place guide me. I ended up in a circle of three trees near a wall that separated the park from a school. A cluster of branches from the largest tree curved down gracefully until it was only three feet from the ground. It seemed to be pointing to the spot. I stuck the loneliest pinecone right where the branches were pointing. There's wasn't a single tree that made loneliest pinecones in the whole park. I smiled at the little mystery I had created.

Satisfied I looked up to see if anyone else was around but the pinecone and I. There was only the black dog, busy with his own devices. I sat on the sloping base of the tree and crossed my legs facing the growing light. I placed my hands inside their opposite sleeves like I was ancient Chinese and made the delicate circle of Zen meditation hand posture, thumbs at the top pressing together only enough to hold a single leaf of paper.

I waited for the sun to come up.

An outcropping in the tree poked my ankle, but not too badly. The wind rustled the leaves above my head and through all the trees of the park wonderfully. I thought it was a shame Phoenix wasn't as windy as Idaho. Two young boys walked through the park and wrestled on their way to school. The black dog and white Jeep had moved on. A coughing man on a bike rode past and I tried not to feel differently in his presence. I began to feel the tiny increases of warmth on my face as the sun crept up, still behind the hills. I saw the light grow in small degrees through the park.

"Look!" I joked to myself, "I'm like the Buddha!" Almost simultaneously the thought came: "I am the Buddha." Everything became still, inside and out. Each eye let loose a single small tear that rolled symmetrically down my rounded smiling cheeks. Suddenly in a deserted park on a cold morning in Phoenix a curtain had been raised for a second and I had glimpsed the truth. Then it came down again, but the after-image remained.

I had read multiple texts where monks had talked about each living thing being the Buddha and everything having Buddha nature. It had always been a nice thought but hadn't particularly struck any chords in me. Now I had experienced the faint echo of this teaching.

The only difference between myself and anything else, the only line of separation, was all in my mind. The tree I was sitting under and my nature weren't separate. The Buddha and I weren't two, we were one. My loved ones and I could never be apart.

The loneliest pinecone wasn't lonely after all. He was the trees all around him and they were him. Inside him was the seed and the tall tree. He was the soil, the air, the rain, and the Sun that supported everything. I looked over and he didn't look the same as before. The loneliest pinecone looked whole and complete and content.

As the sun rose I walked back to my truck, light and happy. I left him there under that tree. I went back to see him today and he was still there, just a little closer to the sunrise. I couldn't see as much of the truth as I had seen in him before, but I knew it was there still. Things like that don't go anywhere.

- BuddhaDave

I had no idea it'd turn out like this, excuse my hokeyness!

The Loneliest Pinecone Part One

Around three o'clock this morning I went for a walk around my office building so that I could wake up a bit and feel the cold. It was nice and chilly and fairly quiet. The moon that was waning from its fullness the night before still spilled faint white light around with the orange of the city lights.

I turned a corner walking towards the little hill with a single tree at the top that I've often sat under and enjoyed a break from the office, enjoying the wind, the sun, the grass under my hands. In my path was a dark round silhouette belonging to a pine cone that had fallen from one of the trees. During the summer they were all over but on this cold night it was all alone under the dark sky, just like me. I was the only one that knew it was there, and it was the only one that knew I was there.

I picked it up and sat under the tree, cradling it in my hands. My finger tips could barely touch if I put a hand on top and bottom. I listened to the soft wind, felt the cold on my cheeks. I saw a pair of coyotes on the street, staying out of the bright street lamps. I whistled to the closest one but it didn't come. They regrouped and divided again and I got up and continued my walk, listening behind me to see if one would follow me.

Holding my loneliest pinecone in one arm I walked, enjoying the stillness of the night air. I turned around for no reason and saw one of the coyotes 30 steps away looking in my direction. I crouched down to see its shape against the glowing concrete better before continuing my walk.

Near the windows of my department's office a small rabbit ran from me and hid in the sharp shadow of a bush. I told him not to worry and watched him stay perfectly still, the white lights of the office showing pink through his vertical ears. I told him to watch out for the coyotes down the street and walked on, listening to my steps.

I placed my pinecone on the hood of my truck as I walked by, reasoning that if it was still there after work I'd take it home. Work ended and it was still there, waiting for me. I put it in my passenger seat and drove home, singing songs by my friend and others, occasionally putting my hand on the loneliest pinecone when turns were sharp.

One exit before my house I had a whisper of spontaneity and decided to take my pinecone to the park a couple blocks north of my house. Maybe that's the reason why he was waiting there for me. It'd be tough for a lonely pinecone to travel 25 miles southwest on its own. I quickly exited and headed for the park.

- BuddhaDave

Later today, Part Two! And you should really check out this wonderful commercial.

Bye Bye Honey

Bye bye honey. I'm sorry I called you silly every time you got sad before you left. I just don't like seeing you like that. I was sad too, but I wanted to help you be happy. You aren't silly. I miss you right now and your plane isn't even off the ground yet.

I stood and watched you until I couldn't see you anymore. I saw you take off your jacket and shoes for the security lady. I had to keep moving so that you'd stay in sight. Then I couldn't see you anymore and I had to turn quickly and start for the escalators. I got lucky and they were empty. I walked past the silent car rental booths toward the elevators and rubbed my tears away with my sweatshirt pulled over my hands like a little kid.

Its so weird to watch the impossible combination of events and circumstances that make up you get on a plane to be away from me. The biggest piece of my life is on a plane headed for Utah. If I think the words "my wife" my chin starts to shake.

I had a harder time than normal making it home from the airport. Somehow I didn't get lost. I made decisions based on childishly simple reasoning and made it okay. Even when I knew where I was things looked wrong. I was more concerned with not crying in morning rush hour traffic.

I stopped partway up our stairs and just stood there. I didn't want to come in. The damn house smells like you and I knew what'd happen as soon as I got in. I'm not a very good example of Buddhist detachment.

The hard part is gonna be when I wake up and go to call you and ask you if you're on your way home.

You seem so fragile and ephemeral now. You were so solid an hour ago and now there's nothing there. There's such a huge difference between "there" and "gone". Such a huge huge difference.

Come home to me soon.

- Dave

Umm...Retarded

I just caught this link over on SomethingAwful.com and I gotta say, I canot believe this is a professional project.

The video is so childish, and I'm willing to bet Adobe isn't targeting children with this site. I wouldn't be so stunned if it was just some nerd out on the Internet sucking up, but c'mon. Its frickin' Adobe! I know they have money!

Check out "The Players" section and read the identifying characteristic on Kevin, "The Creative Type":

"A lawless pirate fearing neither God nor man in front of his computer..."

Fearing neither God nor man?! Who the hell wrote this!?

All I can say is, "WTF?"

- BuddhaDave

Band Names! Assistance Required!

I am in a band with my amigo mejor Senor Douglas Preston. I have been assigned to rhythm guitar because I'm just barely good enough to do that. With a lot of practice and time, I might just become... a decent rhythm guitarist. But mostly I'll get by on my looks.

We don't really have a band name (or a drummer for that matter. Are you hot and play drums and live in Phoenix/Mesa/Scottsdale area? Shoot me an e-mail!) but we have a working title as it were. I'm gonna list that working title mixed in with some band names I think are cool and silly and ask you guys to make comments on the ones you like the best.

The Funky Lamas (like the spiritual leaders, not the animal)
Wall of Leaves
The Mineral Spirits
Asleep in the Ocean
The Preston Routine
The Preston Regulars

So please post a comment and let me know which strikes your fancy and tickles your interest. Or the reverse is fine too.

- BuddhaDave

Personally I think we should be "The Four Foot Flutes" because of the obvious innuendo. We could get a lot of bachelorette parties, oh yeah.

iTunes iLove You

I just spent the amount of money I make in a hour in three minutes. Granted, that's not a lot, but when its on things that cost $1.99...

I definitely should get a video iPod now.

Now that iTunes offers music video downloads, I think its a smart investment. I love music videos. Its so cool to see visual media compliment the audio I enjoy so much. I just bought 10 music videos on impulse, like this:

"Oh, I love this video! *grab* Oh! Norah Jones sweet! *grab grab* OMG this one is classic! *grab*" etc.

The TV shows, meh. I don't really like TV. Right now they only have about seven shows and I've never watched any of them. If they add some stuff I like, I might be persuaded. The thought of having my favorite TV shows with me wherever I go isn't a very good one. We leave the house to get away from TV! Stop trying to take it with you! Music videos are okay though. They're short enough, hee hee.

Have you seen the "Just For You" beta feature they've added? Its scary. I know Amazon.com and other services have this same kinda thing, but when you're not expecting it, its a shock! I'm like, "Holy crap, I totally like a bunch of this stuff they recommend!" And the other stuff looks like I'd like it too.

Damnit. Apple got me again. In about five years I bet iTunes will recommend a house I'd really like and even have a listing of loans!

- BuddhaDave

If this entry sucks and feels jagged, its because I was distracted with pretty music and moving pictures.

Breathe the Universe

Anyone that's talked to me lately knows I've been stressed out about my job. There have been a lot of changes made recently that I don't agree with and I've been working what I consider the crappiest shift we have, and them some. Add to the mix the fact that I only have about a week left back here before I change departments and being able to see the end of the tunnel seems to make it come even slower. Stir all that up, pour it into a cake pan (not to the top though), bake for 45 minutes and you get Unhappy Dave Cake.

While I was driving into work yesterday I realized that all of my stress, anger, and pressure came from my perspective on the whole thing:

"God, I hate this shift. Why did they stick me on graves? I have the most seniority! And all these new rules I have to follow... I should be able to do whatever I want to help pass my time as long as I get the job done! This sucks."

Then today I found out the vacation I've been looking forward to for over a month isn't going to happen because of staffing issues. No wedding, no camping, no visiting family. Not even a full weekend before I start the next week of work. (Don't ever let anyone BS you into thinking that being depended on at work is a good thing.)

"I can't believe they're doing this to me! I've worked so much overtime and both Christmases for this department. Not to mention all the plans I've had to cancel because someone got sick, fired, or took vacation time. Now they have to dick me right as I head out the door? Why can't someone else work it so I can take some time off? I've had to do it for other people!"

And on and on and on. When I'm in that mind set I don't think anything of it, but now typing out all the stuff that went through my head I'm embarrassed. I'm a selfish ass! Its not hard to see the pattern:

"God, I hate this shift. Why did they stick me on graves? I have the most seniority! And all these new rules I have to follow... I should be able to do whatever I want... I can't believe they're doing this to me! Not to mention all the plans I've had to cancel because someone got sick, fired... I've had to do it for other people!"

Sickening. Like I said, when I'm in the moment I don't even notice but if someone else started going off like that to me I'd notice right away and probably think something like, "Okay, Mr. Assy Man!"

But that's how we get when stuff doesn't work out for us. It doesn't seem natural or easy to think, "Aww, I hope she feels better soon. Being sick is no fun." as opposed to "God damnit now I can't go to that concert cuz I have to cover for Pansy McSickerson! Stupid Bit..." etc.

I read something by Thich Nhat Hanh (my hero!) which really helped me get over my anger and stress yesterday, and deal with the bad new I got today. I want to put it all out here and hopefully it will help someone else too. So bear with me pweeze.

We all know about cause and effect. Every action has an equal and opposite yadda yadda, right? Makes perfect sense. You kick a volleyball (don't do it, volleyball girls get mad) and it goes flying away from your foot. A big ol' blob of ice cream falls off the cone and your shirt stops it. You lean back too far on your shopping cart and it pops a wheelie. Easily verified.

But do we ever stretch this out as far as it really goes? Far enough so that when you drink a cup of tea you see a cloud? Confused? Good! Problems are the best things you could ever hope for, seriously. More on that in another post, maybe.

Okay take the tea. I love green tea and it will be a simple example. Much like a shark (but a lot friendlier and with bones) I consume my weight in green tea a day. What makes up my green tea? According to Tazo.com my favorite tea contains:

Green and black teas
Cucumber
Peaches
Natural flavors

Naturally I also add water and liberal amounts of sugar to keep me sweet.

Let us focus on just the tea leaves. What does it take to grow the plant that bears these leaves? Sunlight, air, rain, fertile soil, seeds. There also has to be someone to plant the seeds, care for the plant, harvest the leaves, process them, ship them, etc, etc. Then there has to be someone to sell the tea, someone to buy the tea, etc etc. Take away even one of these things, or one of countless others, and there is no tea.

What does it take to grow a person? Getting the idea?

Everything you see, hear, smell, taste, and touch is made of of countless other-things. Tea depends totally on non-tea elements. A flower is made up totally of non-flower things. You depend on things which are non-you.

The tea depends on the sun, the rain, the soil and countless other things which depend on countless other things all the way back to the beginning of the Universe. No Universe, no matter. No matter, no space dust. No space dust, no planets. No planets, no Earth. No Earth, no people and no tea plants. I'm drastically simplifying things for the sake of brevity but I'm sure you get the picture. No one could ever see all the infinite dependencies.

Its the same with every single thing we encounter.

Including jobs.

So about 15 minutes into my internal tirade against life, the Universe, and everything it hits me: "I'm being a self-centered bastard. I am the very smallest ingredient that lead up to and created my current situation. Even just my job depends on an insane amount of things, the least of all is me. I depend on an insane amount of things to even be alive, let alone having a job to bitch about."

A huge amount of dependencies flooded my mind: The owner's parents meeting and getting married. His surviving childhood and the Marines. Having people believe in his idea to start a company and all the things those people depended on. Meeting my friend in college. Even being able to go to college. People believing in me as I went from CS lacky to senior NOC analyst and all the things those people depended on. Each circumstance and person having unlimited other circumstances making it possible. Etc, etc to infinity (and beyond!).

I am one lucky mofo to even be here. I should not be bitching like the world owes me something. My participation (although necessary) is the tiniest piece of the pie chart. The weight was gone. I felt humbled. Just thinking about all the people who helped me get here was very, very sobering. "I should not be bitching. I should feel damn happy and grateful."

So we finally come to the point. Everything that happens to us, everything we have or don't have, everyone we know and love and hate does not depend soley on us. Our victories are not 100% our doing. How can you gloat when your victory depends on a myriad of things? Our failures are not 100% our fault. How can you despair when its shared with everything that is?

Of course we are a necessary part of the Universe too and make our own decisions, but we are one out of a million bajillion gajillion things that make things what they are.

I hope that next time things don't go my way I will remember the countless things that make up life and put things in a much grander perspective than the "Me me me!" pin-hole I normally see through.

- BuddhaDave

P.S. I know its long, sorry!

Colossal Guilt Part Two

I cannot go on like this. I have become my own enemy, one far more dangerous than those I face. A mind divided against itself. I have lost the detachment to what I'm doing. I have lost the only thing that kept me sane.

The small voice that once nagged softly and was easily brushed aside has been growing. Now it grapples unceasingly with the lies I tell myself to keep going and the resulting clash of forces paralyzes my mind and body. My actions no longer flow like a smooth and powerful river; they are as cloth stretched tight over broken glass.

Where once I ran straight and sure as an arrow, now I hesitate and stutter like a lame animal. My stroke once powerful and deep has been replaced with feeble and unsure jabs. Even the brief rests of physical exhaustion I once enjoyed are now as shallow and gritty as puddles on a road.

Where did this thing come from? When did I acquire this weakness of resolve and why has it chosen to manifest now? Why now? I am so close to the end of this unspeakable journey, why now?

Its the eyes. Once only inanimate obstacles stood in my path; to be destroyed and left behind without so much as a second thought. A simple equation with a simple solution. Now their eyes bore into mine, their cries pierce my soul, their skin is sickeningly warm under my hands. Lumbering hulks of mass have been replaced with living creatures that part of me empathizes with, as much as I hate it. Perhaps because of that.

Can I go on under the stress of this internal conflict? Under such immense forces its only a matter of time until something gives. Can I hold out until the end? Will I be able to keep it together long enough to see this revolting task through? Part of me still believes everything will come out okay, somehow, if I can only keep going. Only keep going...

I try to steel myself with memories of how it used to be: The excitement of the chase, the roaring chaos of the battle, the ecstasy of finding the vital spot and bringing it all to a deafening end. Recollections that once spurred me on now make me sick to my stomach and cause a deep loathing to arise within.

Please, let this be over soon. I have given up caring if my journey ends in victory or defeat. I just want this nightmare to end, please...

- BuddhaDave

Quick Filla

I think he's coming along nicely. Again, I'm making him from this picture I took. Just a quick little, "Look at what I drew!" Click him for the full sized glory version.

- BuddhaDave

Colossal Guilt Part One

What have I done? I can never go back. It can never be undone. I have destroyed things I don't understand for reasons unknown to me. I have hunted and killed again and again in pursuit of goals I fear to define.

Why am I doing this? I tell myself its simple. I tell myself its better this way. But that part of my self which I cannot cover up with rationalization laughs at me and calls me a liar. Deep down I know its true. Deep down I know its not as simple as I want it to be.

The hard, cold, ugly truth of it is I'm doing this only for my self-centered desire to have her back. Only to have her back. I don't care about the things I destroy. I don't care about the so-called "gods" that seem to be aiding me. I don't care about my only companion on this vile quest. I don't care about any of the consequences. I only care about filing this great empty hole inside of me. The whole world be damned.

Tomorrow I will claw up from my unconsciousness and align my every thought and action to doing that which I have only now come to question.

I will tell myself its okay. I will tell myself there are only a few more times. I will tell myself it will all be over soon. I will tell myself a lot of things I won't really believe.

After all I have done and will do for you, will you be able to even look at me?

- BuddhaDave