Not About Bicycles

I feel sick. Nauseousness, just on the outside of my perception. Like I've been breathing some kind of heavy gas and it's stuck, swirling slowly, in my chest.

It could be that I haven't been taking my vitamins lately, or that I'm probably protein deficient. After a few weeks my vegetarian system starts to notice that kind of thing.

Or it could be the result of trying to stay so chipper when things are total crap. Buddhists and laid back people have a lot of pressure to continue being Buddhist and laid back, even when our lives are falling apart. A lot of that pressure is internal. It can be a huge bitch. We can be the rock and the refuge for our loved ones, but when shit goes down on our end of town, it seems like we just have to deal. And if there's conflict, guess who feels compelled to make it right, to calm down, to fix it. To forgive and forget. That's right. But maybe it's just me.

Shit is going down on my end of town.

What good is being introspective if you're the only one? What good is it to be mindful of the reasons behind things when no one else is concerned? Why be one of those "nice guys" when being insensitive seems so much easier? I don't think I'm cut out for this.

But a ship that goes out to sea either keeps sailing, or it sinks. So, whatever. This will all be discounted as dramatization anyway. Even though to me, it definitely isn't. But that won't matter. After a time I'll go on my merry way, no assistance or effort required, as always. So why bother with any of this.

Woo, happy Friday.

- David