New Moon Confession
Howdy, let's get started.
Since my last post I've gotten up and meditated one day. One day. And it was for ten minutes. That's sad. There was an all day retreat on Saturday and I totally didn't go. For fifteen minutes one day I seriously thought about it but then didn't anymore after that.
I've stopped practicing, basically. Every day I used to read or listen to an audio book. In the car, at work, before bed. Now I'm into Hammett and Palahniuk books instead (which are fantastic, btw) and even when I do get around to putting an audio book on I just zone out. When I'd put my malas on I'd speak the five vows in my mind. One for each loop around my wrist. Now I leave them at home on accident. Once almost at work. There is no motivation or energy.
I've had drinks, which is against one of these vows. Beer, bourbon. I've had a few cigarettes. I don't count cigars as against my practice. Why? Cuz they're all natural of course. Or cuz I'm a hypocrite, but either way I don't 'em.
I've been the laziest bum at work. I had to work three hours from home last night because of all the horse-assing I do while I'm in the office. I have no motivation there either. If I bust my ass to close out all my tickets, there will just be more waiting for me tomorrow. If I do an awesome helpful job will it matter a month down the road? This isn't the way to be, but it's how I've been feeling.
I'm just a slothful turd. I can't get up. This morning my mind tricked me into sleeping in by having me dream I actually got up. I love that shock when you realize you're still in bed and not really showered and dressed ahead of schedule. Maybe I should start going to bed at like Three AM and still getting up at my regular time so I have an excuse to be tired.
I'm getting selfish in my heart, again. Still. I want too much and when I don't get it I turn all shitty. Like I'm owed or something. Then I shun. Like it will buy me what I want. "Oh yeah? Take this! *shun* That will teach you, won't it?" Right, sure.
Oh well, tomorrow's another day right?
- Dave
Since my last post I've gotten up and meditated one day. One day. And it was for ten minutes. That's sad. There was an all day retreat on Saturday and I totally didn't go. For fifteen minutes one day I seriously thought about it but then didn't anymore after that.
I've stopped practicing, basically. Every day I used to read or listen to an audio book. In the car, at work, before bed. Now I'm into Hammett and Palahniuk books instead (which are fantastic, btw) and even when I do get around to putting an audio book on I just zone out. When I'd put my malas on I'd speak the five vows in my mind. One for each loop around my wrist. Now I leave them at home on accident. Once almost at work. There is no motivation or energy.
I've had drinks, which is against one of these vows. Beer, bourbon. I've had a few cigarettes. I don't count cigars as against my practice. Why? Cuz they're all natural of course. Or cuz I'm a hypocrite, but either way I don't 'em.
I've been the laziest bum at work. I had to work three hours from home last night because of all the horse-assing I do while I'm in the office. I have no motivation there either. If I bust my ass to close out all my tickets, there will just be more waiting for me tomorrow. If I do an awesome helpful job will it matter a month down the road? This isn't the way to be, but it's how I've been feeling.
I'm just a slothful turd. I can't get up. This morning my mind tricked me into sleeping in by having me dream I actually got up. I love that shock when you realize you're still in bed and not really showered and dressed ahead of schedule. Maybe I should start going to bed at like Three AM and still getting up at my regular time so I have an excuse to be tired.
I'm getting selfish in my heart, again. Still. I want too much and when I don't get it I turn all shitty. Like I'm owed or something. Then I shun. Like it will buy me what I want. "Oh yeah? Take this! *shun* That will teach you, won't it?" Right, sure.
Oh well, tomorrow's another day right?
- Dave
posted by BuddhaDave at
11:38 PM
1 Comments:
I'm sorry.
-h
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