Full Moon Confession - 06

What the hell happened today? I should just be happy I remembered to fast but man I could not stay on course to save my life. I'm surprised I got anything done. Oh yeah, its probably because I haven't had my lazy half-assed ass on a cushion in over two weeks. I'm a baaaaad man. On with the show.

I drank on Saturday on purpose and more than just a pull from a friend's beer to make sure my body still hated liquor. It seems it hates beer but not bourbon. I drank two short glasses of coke and bourbon. I got the first starts of feeling funny and then stopped. I think the greasy pizza helped cushion the blow. Pineapple and cheese pizza is my new favorite.

I've been "flying solo" a lot more than I should. I'm sorry, its a weakness. I just have a lot of love in me trying to get out. One day I will get a handle on it, and not in the literal sense. I'll show you Hyd! I could too make it in a monastery!

I've been having mean thoughts about people lately. Usually this doesn't happen; it's either good thoughts or indifference (which isn't something to brag about) but the past two weeks have played host to many unskillful thoughts about my fellow man and friends. Sometimes I'm tricked into thinking its okay because I've been hurt, but that's just BS. Forgive me, I know what I do but I wish I didn't do it.

Sloth is the big one this time around. The TV has teamed up with my cornucopia of DVDs and I haven't been reading, writing, or anything else starting with an R sound (except pirating) for at least two weeks. I have too many good movies. Ass, I'm sorry I've been making you work so much. Books, note- and otherwise, sorry for neglecting you. I'll try to do better. Next time I hear, "Hey, lets watch a movie..." in that black cavern they call my brain I'll say, "Hey, lets not and pretend we did."

I haven't been anything resembling a good practicioner in a long time. Usually I had the safety-net of at least always reading something spiritual but I've bought some fiction books and magazines and have been running my eyeballs over them instead. No mediation, no zen center, no Buddhist books. Just drifting around. It has fully taken its awful toll. I can't believe I used to be like this all the time.

I told myself I just needed a rest and I'd be refreshed. Let the batteries re-charge while I snacked on Hammett books and movies. This is not the case. A rest soon becomes a break which then turns into trial separation and then full on divorce. I'm a mess. I have no gumption. One day it will be too much and I'll kick my own ass into getting started again. Hopefully its tomorrow.

I think that's good, its dinner time.

- BuddhaDave

Did you notice, I didn't talk to you at all today?