New Moon Confession - 05

E-mailed Submission

A day late and ten dollars short.

I was out with my friends last night and didn't get a chance to post on
time, not that anyone is breathlessly waiting on the edge of their
computer chairs or anything.

Which brings me to the main topic of this post: The inability to hold
to one's own convictions. I think this is my cardinal sin this time
around.

How often does this happen to us: "I'm going to start working out!"
"I'm going to eat better." "I will quit smoking." "I'll spend more
time reading." "I won't be lazy this weekend!" We feel strongly that
we're gonna do X, Y, and Z and vow not to go back on it this time. Yet
we do, again and again. Sometimes its forgetfulness, sometimes is
laziness.

In my case its mostly forgetfulness. If I remember then *usually* I'll
stick to it. But yesterday this was not the case.

I have decided to fast every full and new moon for various reasons and
totally remembered and succeeded two weeks ago. Then yesterday I come
into work, sit down, glance at my calendar and realize it was fasting
day. Oops! Well no worries, I hadn't eaten anything yet. I could
still make it.

Not ten minutes later I get an IM from Hyd saying the awesome-o Sami and
Rob wanted to go out to dinner that night. Well... guess I'm not
fasting! How quickly I decided to go back on my conviction. The fact
that its not that big of one makes it even worse in a way. If I can't
stick with the small ones, how will I fare with the big ones? Its so
easy to rationalize things in our heads to excuse what we do.

I still haven't been back to the zen center. Here the culprits are
laziness and more rationalization.

I've been unable to let go of some things that I should. Even now weeks
later I still catch myself arguing in my head, fortifying my position,
and making myself the victim. I'm making an effort to drop it, but its
slow going and I need to be more mindful. The actual event only
happened once. I've made myself go through it hundreds of times by
now. Wasteful wasteful.

Yesterday I also discovered that I feel I'm being neglected. I'm so
greedy. I need to cultivate equanimity more. I have it good, I
shouldn't bitch.

But I feel good today. Its all the road and the road is all good.

- BhikkhuDave

O Green World, Don't Desert Me Now