Dave Tired

In Hawaii I purchased a necklace made from prehistoric walrus ivory with an old whaling ship scrimshawed onto it. Its pretty small and I don't wear it out of my shirt usually. I use it as a reminder of a very good saying I heard from the Cowboy Bebop animated movie:

"A ship that goes out to sea has no choice but to keep sailing, or sink."

When I get tired of trying it helps remind me to keep going. Being sad is very tiring. Being sad and trying not to be is even more so.

I've been getting tired a lot lately. Everyday is a hard exercise in patience, anger management, and keeping that screaming unruly child called the mind from running me into the ground. It always surprises me how something with no mass can gain so much momentum.

Certain comments or jokes have been getting me sad at the drop of a hat. A weird complete kind of sadness. Not like the kind of sad one gets that can be cured easily with a hug or some attention. A deep and total depression which seems to be at the cellular level. However this has been balanced with a level of self control I haven't ever had before. So it doesn't take out my whole day, just about an hour. Not my whole day, but my whole energy tank!

The last two months of the year I learned something very important: Life is too unpredictable and uncontrollable to be forecast with any kind of accuracy. Just accept each day as a gift, because there is no guarantee anywhere that you will see another. Wasting energy being upset when things don't go how you wanted them too is destructive and totally unnecessary. Life goes how it goes. Go from there.

Tomorrow I'm starting a five day fast to try and get healthier. Plus, I've always wanted to do it. My dad bought me this kit that helps get all the toxins out. It will be a good lesson in self control and an interesting week. The first three days are just stepping down the food intake, then five days with no food. Just apple juice and water. Wish me luck!

I hope all your weekends were good and this week goes even better. My sincerest wishes go out to those in uncertain territories with uncertain traveling companions. It will work out, don't worry. You are your own best guide. Adios, partners.

- BuddhaDave

I want to be what you need but can't you be mine too?