Colossal Guilt Part Two
I cannot go on like this. I have become my own enemy, one far more dangerous than those I face. A mind divided against itself. I have lost the detachment to what I'm doing. I have lost the only thing that kept me sane.
The small voice that once nagged softly and was easily brushed aside has been growing. Now it grapples unceasingly with the lies I tell myself to keep going and the resulting clash of forces paralyzes my mind and body. My actions no longer flow like a smooth and powerful river; they are as cloth stretched tight over broken glass.
Where once I ran straight and sure as an arrow, now I hesitate and stutter like a lame animal. My stroke once powerful and deep has been replaced with feeble and unsure jabs. Even the brief rests of physical exhaustion I once enjoyed are now as shallow and gritty as puddles on a road.
Where did this thing come from? When did I acquire this weakness of resolve and why has it chosen to manifest now? Why now? I am so close to the end of this unspeakable journey, why now?
Its the eyes. Once only inanimate obstacles stood in my path; to be destroyed and left behind without so much as a second thought. A simple equation with a simple solution. Now their eyes bore into mine, their cries pierce my soul, their skin is sickeningly warm under my hands. Lumbering hulks of mass have been replaced with living creatures that part of me empathizes with, as much as I hate it. Perhaps because of that.
Can I go on under the stress of this internal conflict? Under such immense forces its only a matter of time until something gives. Can I hold out until the end? Will I be able to keep it together long enough to see this revolting task through? Part of me still believes everything will come out okay, somehow, if I can only keep going. Only keep going...
I try to steel myself with memories of how it used to be: The excitement of the chase, the roaring chaos of the battle, the ecstasy of finding the vital spot and bringing it all to a deafening end. Recollections that once spurred me on now make me sick to my stomach and cause a deep loathing to arise within.
Please, let this be over soon. I have given up caring if my journey ends in victory or defeat. I just want this nightmare to end, please...
- BuddhaDave
The small voice that once nagged softly and was easily brushed aside has been growing. Now it grapples unceasingly with the lies I tell myself to keep going and the resulting clash of forces paralyzes my mind and body. My actions no longer flow like a smooth and powerful river; they are as cloth stretched tight over broken glass.
Where once I ran straight and sure as an arrow, now I hesitate and stutter like a lame animal. My stroke once powerful and deep has been replaced with feeble and unsure jabs. Even the brief rests of physical exhaustion I once enjoyed are now as shallow and gritty as puddles on a road.
Where did this thing come from? When did I acquire this weakness of resolve and why has it chosen to manifest now? Why now? I am so close to the end of this unspeakable journey, why now?
Its the eyes. Once only inanimate obstacles stood in my path; to be destroyed and left behind without so much as a second thought. A simple equation with a simple solution. Now their eyes bore into mine, their cries pierce my soul, their skin is sickeningly warm under my hands. Lumbering hulks of mass have been replaced with living creatures that part of me empathizes with, as much as I hate it. Perhaps because of that.
Can I go on under the stress of this internal conflict? Under such immense forces its only a matter of time until something gives. Can I hold out until the end? Will I be able to keep it together long enough to see this revolting task through? Part of me still believes everything will come out okay, somehow, if I can only keep going. Only keep going...
I try to steel myself with memories of how it used to be: The excitement of the chase, the roaring chaos of the battle, the ecstasy of finding the vital spot and bringing it all to a deafening end. Recollections that once spurred me on now make me sick to my stomach and cause a deep loathing to arise within.
Please, let this be over soon. I have given up caring if my journey ends in victory or defeat. I just want this nightmare to end, please...
- BuddhaDave
posted by BuddhaDave at
7:21 PM
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