Colossal Guilt Part One

What have I done? I can never go back. It can never be undone. I have destroyed things I don't understand for reasons unknown to me. I have hunted and killed again and again in pursuit of goals I fear to define.

Why am I doing this? I tell myself its simple. I tell myself its better this way. But that part of my self which I cannot cover up with rationalization laughs at me and calls me a liar. Deep down I know its true. Deep down I know its not as simple as I want it to be.

The hard, cold, ugly truth of it is I'm doing this only for my self-centered desire to have her back. Only to have her back. I don't care about the things I destroy. I don't care about the so-called "gods" that seem to be aiding me. I don't care about my only companion on this vile quest. I don't care about any of the consequences. I only care about filing this great empty hole inside of me. The whole world be damned.

Tomorrow I will claw up from my unconsciousness and align my every thought and action to doing that which I have only now come to question.

I will tell myself its okay. I will tell myself there are only a few more times. I will tell myself it will all be over soon. I will tell myself a lot of things I won't really believe.

After all I have done and will do for you, will you be able to even look at me?

- BuddhaDave